#11 November – An Emotional Breakthrough

The day after we got these test results, we were headed up north to visit two of our good friends for the weekend. We were very excited to see these friends, as we had not seen them since Labor Day weekend. These were the same friends who had also been struggling to get pregnant and I had excitement to see friends who did not have babies and we could relate to on this difficulty that was starting to absorb our lives. We didn’t quite get the chance to bond on this topic, as they announced they were expecting in June.

I did the best I could to put on an excited face and try to pull out some happiness for our friends. I am sure I did not hide my real reaction very well, as I wear my emotions on my sleeve. It was a pretty short amount of conversation before I had to escape to the basement and cry into my husband’s arms. I felt like a horrible person for how unhappy I felt for them, but I felt worse about how much I wanted something that seemed so impossible to be able to have.

I was able to look up the test results from my lab that same day thanks to the convenience of MyChart notifications. Both my progesterone and estrogen results showed low levels, which indicated that I did not ovulate. The clinic called me that afternoon to schedule an ultrasound for Monday morning to take a close look at what was going on. These ultrasounds are not covered by insurance, so they cost $500 upfront. The response to the emotional and financial stress were getting to be too much.
After the weekend up north, we had a long drive home that started with pretty angered conversation about what we should be doing with our treatment plan and when enough is enough. The financial stress was finally getting to my husband and I was at the height of my emotional defeat. Getting to this point and having nothing but time to talk through how we felt about it was actually just what we needed. After having very different opinions about what we were willing to do next, we came to a common ground. We reset some financial limits ($1,500/month) where we had to pause and re-discuss, but anything under that, we would just continue forward with. We came up with more optimistic reasoning of why the universe was not ready to let us be parents and decided to be grateful for the great life that we do have and enjoy the freedom we still have without children. Now that we were mentally recharged, it was time to see what the doctor had to say.

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